When you come home at the end of the day
and sit in your mind’s silence and reflect on the conversations you had and the people you spoke to
some people you tell lies, stories, fake smiles, nods of the head that truly mean nothing to you,
they leave you feeling weighted down, as if things were said that rotted your soul
some people you sit in silence, or behind small talk and irrelevancies, discussing academics and gossip
they leave you feeling like there was more to be said, like you had further built the wall between your being and theirs
and some people you express the unshared brainwaves that echo wordlessly through your head, release the built up tensions and hopes and fears that have boiled all day, your ultimate feelings and makeup of your being
they leave you feeling liberated, flying, released
This sick sadness
Starving for response
I would rather drown and sleep
In a peaceful liberated state
———————
Break out of this funk because you aren’t alone
You aren’t alone you aren’t alone you aren’t alone
Separate yourself from the termoil
Transcend from emotional ropes all torn up and bloodied because there’s more to you than this weak selfish pattern
Deny the spirals that end in his pupils his untouchable beautiful being because the world is riddled in spaces that want all of your love passion energy hell
Too many boys have siezed it first
Invest yourself in something better
Now!
You planted this seed in my chest,
And fertilized it with your lovely thoughts
Watered it almost everyday with those crystalline stream stares
And it germinated with my dreams, fantasies, hopes
and it grew up around my beating heart
Snuck its branches into my veins, lungs, tendons
Crawled up my throat and wrapped around my central cortex
From my spinal cord
Then it sent thoughts of you shooting around my head all day long
Serentonin triggers when we exchange glances, conversations, flirtations
The tendrils tighten and thicken around my throat
I’ve tried to starve it trim it thin it
But its force upon return, I never would have expected
The leaves crawl up to see the sunshine and flower in its loveliness - you
But i’ve kept this vegetation, this entity inside me all along even i don’t know if it’s a beautiful rose
Or a hideous weed
To grow into your garden and strangle your seedlings
I just want to pull you into my arms
Stare long into those poring eyes
Trickle my fingers down your lovely sides
Feel the nuance of the space from your ribs to your hips
Absorb the fire kept in your chest and move and dance to the rhythm of your mental stratosphere
The chords and tones that escape from your lips betray its loveliness
Oh lordy to taste the melodies that flick off of your tongue
BUT I’M SO FUCKING SHY STANDING NEXT TO YOU
Damn it
It would be so much easier if you told me to fuck off
to just shut up
jut said leave me alone
you’re so dominating
irritating
obnoxious
it would be so much better for my mental state in the long run if you found someone, took pictures with her, posted them on Facebook
it would nip it the bud early if you just got sick of me
if you didn’t really like me
if you were just being nice
what is this anyway
another selfish imagined rendezvous into the worlds of could have beens
the worlds where everything is better
where this empty feeling doesn’t box you in based on the fact that you’re too ashamed to tell anyone what’s happening in your head
embarrassment - it’s going to choke me with its tendrils on its quest for sustenance
Recapitulation
Returning to the internet to vent my feelings and regrets
Hello there thirty six of you that I left hanging, no adieu
Your names and pages have all grown and I’m still frozen and unknown
In digital fandom, realistic tandem
dorky rhymes dance off from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers
I’m not so angsty anymore I’ve made more art than I did before
My lungs are bigger my dreams are not, the words here written I have forgot
This is my terrible writing once again I’m sorry this poem has no point or sequence
Hello
unhealthy food makes headaches go away
what a concept
i wonder who i could have learned that from without my dad
oh yeah Zane
i need to stop judging people so harshly
because i get it
i guess it’s out of my fear of being judged by other people
but really it’s because there’s nothing else i have to say
but i’ll be alone if i say nothing
that’s the other thing that scares me even though i try to make it so sometimes
no
i’m just scared of what people say about me
i know there’s a lot of things to say
i’m sorry for those things
i’m sorry for adding to the cycle
i’m sorry for being aware of it and doing nothing
it’s shitty
lovely people make me happy
finals week make you tweak
abstain from drugs but boyfriend hugs don’t stop the stress from pushing you to your best but your health gets less
good
bler
i like coffee a lot i like coffee a lot
